Before I go into detail about my experiences with anxiety and other mental illnesses I would like to remind everyone that every person is different and handles things differently. This is solely my experiences.
Anxiety defined by the Oxford American Dictionary as a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. And is a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.
Now this is just the general definition written by some old smart guys in suits or something like that. And like I said everyone experiences things differently and I have been told by many people who don't experience anxiety that they just do not understand how it works. So I thought I would share my history with it.
I first realized I had anxiety when I was around 17, but I started experiencing anxiety around 10 years old. At the time I didn't know what I was feeling. I figured it was a normal reaction to whatever situation I was going through. I was around 10 years old when I first started questioning my future and the things happening around me. At that time in my life I was dealing with a lot of stuff, my parents divorce, my school closing and moving to a different school, growing up and puberty, making friends. There were so many questions running through my mind I shut down and started to give up.
I was always told I needed to have friends so when I couldn't make any I started freaking out. I wanted to fit in. So I changed myself into the stereotype that everyone wanted me to be. I changed my hair, got contacts and rid of my glasses, got braces to straighten my teeth, started buying expensive name brand clothing. I started failing my classes and stopped sleeping at night. I stayed up all night daydreaming of everything I wish I had. The friends and materialistic things everyone else had. I didn't know it at the time but all this daydreaming that had me up all night was my anxiety of not fitting in, of being an outcast.
It got worse as I got older. More things happened, people came and left from my life leaving scars. I so badly wanted those childhood friendships that last a lifetime, only the friends I made were only my friends because I saw them 5 days a week at school. None of us had anything in common, had the same beliefs, or were raised the same way. When I was 17 I realized one of the big reasons why my life was so difficult for me was because I kept toxic people in my life. I would put myself in situations that left me awake on my shower floor crying for hours in the middle of the night. I did things I am not proud of, just to fit in. And none of it made me happy. I didn't want to go to school anymore, all I would think of on my drive everyday was what everyone would say about me that day or if anyone would say anything remotely nice to me.
Sometimes it'll feel like my heart stops and my stomach all of a sudden drops to the floor. I'll be having a good day and all it will take is a weird look from a stranger to make my mind race and my heart to beat a hundred miles an hour. But the worst by far is when my head starts to hurt I need to put noise cancelling headphones out so I can't hear anything, and then my eyes start hurting so badly I need to put a pillow over my face and turn all of the lights off, and then everything starts to smell rancid and rotten I need to plug my nose, and then everything around me feels like sandpaper on my skin including my skin. That is the worst type of anxiety I've experienced, and it happens much more often than I'd like.
I have yet to find things that really help me to calm my anxiety. Moving always helps, exercise and working out, blasting music as loud as it gets and having a dance party. I always try to distract myself from my anxiety. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't.
Anxiety is real. I have heard people go on about how they just don't understand, well all of you who don't understand be grateful you don't. I would never wish it on my worst enemy.
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