7 Things I've Learned in Before I Turned 20

1) It feels so much better to be hydrated.

    I know this probably sounds super obvious but let me explain. When your body is properly hydrated you will feel happier, healthier, more awake, and more energized. For the longest time I always drank soda and sugary drinks until awhile ago when I stopped and started drinking strictly water, gatorade, or the occasional tea or sparkling water. Now after a few months of rehydrating my body I feel so much better. It’s honestly one of the greatest things I’ve done.

2) Even the nicest people aren't that nice.

    I’ve learned recently that some of the nicest people that you will meet will actually be some of the worst. Even if people seem to be the nicest of people and that they would never say anything rude everyone has a breaking point. The nicest of people may not say rude things about people but they will definitely complain about you behind your back and that does not necessarily make them the best person. 

3) Your problems get worse as you get older but you find better/easier ways to deal with your                    problems as you get older so it kinda evens out. 

     As you grow older the problems you have to deal with get harder and more difficult but that doesn't mean you won’t be able to handle them. Since you are older, you have more experience with difficult issues that you will find better ways to deal with your problems. Life definitely does not get better as you get older but you will find better ways to deal with what life hands you. 

4) Confidence is the key to happiness.

    For the longest time I had very low self esteem and confidence. It wasn’t until I found myself and started acting on my feelings, whether that was regarding my clothing, appearance, hobbies or actions. I realized I was so much happier being who I am rather than who everyone else expects me to. I have realized, especially a lot recently, that if someone in my life doesn’t support me for who I am and is trying to change me to be someone they want me to be I need to take them out of my life. I don’t have time for people who don’t care for the real me but just want to change me. 

5) It’s really easy to be rude but really easy to be nice.

   This sorta goes with #2. When we have bad days we tend to take them out on each other because it is easy to do. But when we have good days we soak up all that goodness for ourselves because we don’t want to lose that good feeling. I think this is something we have all just become accustomed to doing. When really just giving a smile to a stranger when you pass them on the street could turn their whole day around. 

6) Don’t be afraid to leave the toxic people in your life. 

    This was the hardest thing that I have ever had to learn but it was definitely the most important. Some people honestly are just not good for you. You need to learn what kinds of people you want in your life and the kinds of people you definitely don’t want in your life. If you have people in your life that fall into that 2nd list don’t be afraid to let them go. If they are a friend, simply stop talking to them. It is one of the hardest things to do but also being hurt by someone who is supposed to be supporting you is not good for you. Some things you just need to do for yourself.

7) Don’t let people dictate what you can and cannot like. 

    I have found that so many people like to “judge” people on the things they do or the things they like. Some people will even go as far as to try and “out do” others when it comes to hobbies. These are some of the people I talked about in #6. We should be embracing each other and what we love not bringing each other down. If we were just more supportive of one another society would be much more pleasant. 

2015 at a Glance

2015 has been a crazy year for me. I started the year off in Mexico with my family and a bad case of mono but soon the year escalated into a very eventful and amazing time. 

January consisted of relaxing and recovering from mono and my first semester of college. I was home for winter break for most of January and took advantage of that time to bum around. It wasn't until the end of January that I was reunited with my best friends and moved back into school for my second semester.

As February and March rolled around I had made more and more memories. Including getting free pie on Pi day just for knowing the numbers in Pi, random photo shoots around campus, getting snapchats from my favorite musicians complimenting my nose ring, international dinners and parties, trips to Chicago and Janesville, and many more adventures.

April was my birthday month and therefore very adventurous, my mom got me a selfie stick for my birthday so me and my friends decided to take it absolutely everywhere.

As May came along I got sick again, pink eye in both eyes, and exams came and went. We all moved out of our dorms and it was a sad time. We took this moment to bond by taking another photo shoot with my selfie stick.

At the beginning of June I got the opportunity to go to my little brothers 8th grade graduation. It was super exciting to see him all grown up with his bow tie moving on to high school. I then got a few days off at the beginning of June in between exams and my first day of work for the summer. I worked first shift at a printing factory in Green Bay and it was actually pretty fun. I made good friends there and the days always went by pretty fast. A few weeks after I started work I also started my first online summer class. I was taking three online classes during the summer to help get a few of my general classes out of the way. They were three week classes and were pretty easy.

During June I met one of my friends, Katie, in Little Chute for Cheesefest to see Andy Grammer perform. It was super fun to see Katie again and I love Andy Grammer and cheese so it was a pretty cool time.

June went by pretty fast and soon enough it was July and I was getting ready for the first concert I had planned for the summer. The weekend of the 4th was going to be very busy as my best friend, Val, was going to come to Green Bay and we were going to go to Summerfest in Milwaukee and see Ed Sheeran headline on the 3rd and then on the 4th we were going to go to Oshkosh and visit our other friend and watch the parade there. After the parade we were planning to drive a few hours to my cabin up north. Now keep in mind we got very little sleep after this concert and it is still the Forth of July. We were exhausted by the time we got to my cabin, we had probably gotten maybe four hours of sleep and I have driven at least 6 hours just that morning. The rest of the weekend we spent swimming, ATVing, eating, sitting by a bonfire, setting of fireworks, watching fireworks, goofing off, but mostly driving all across Wisconsin. It was one of my favorite memories of 2015 and I am so lucky to have shared it with such wonderful people.

The rest of July went by smoothly and I continued working and studying and before I knew it, it was August and it was time for my next concert. This one was probably the one I was most excited for. 5 Seconds of Summer is one of my all time favorite bands and I have never seen them live before. I was meeting my roommate and friend, Katie, in Milwaukee and we would pick up her friend Sarah and then drive down to Kenosha where we were staying the night at Katie's aunts house. The concert was in Chicago and we were all very excited. We got there right as the gates were opening to park and we ended up getting a good parking spot. We waited in the car for a while until they opened the doors since it was very hot outside and we had lawn seats. The concert was incredible. I cried through the whole thing, lost my voice even though I had a very important meeting the next day at school, and even threw up a little during one of my favorite songs. We all danced like crazy and it was an atmosphere I can't figure out how to describe in words.

August was the end of my summer and I was moving into school again. Except this time I was moving myself in, and it was the same day as my One Direction concert. I ended up leaving my house when it was still dark out, 5:30 am sounds about right, give or take a bit. I drove the approximate 3 hours to school with my Chevy Cruise filled to the top with almost all of my things, everything that could fit. When I got to school I checked in, got my room key and with the help of my friend, Amy, who I was bring to One Direction, we started moving my stuff in. Now it was going great until I locked myself out of my building, panicked for about 15 minutes and needed to get a spare ID in order to keep moving my stuff in. We finished moving my stuff in with just enough time to get ready for the concert and get something to eat once we get to Milwaukee. We drove the hour to Milwaukee ate a quick lunch and realized we had a bit more time before they would open parking. So we did what any 19 year old would do if they had time before their One Direction concert. We made very glittery posters inside my car because why would we do it outside (sorry mom). We got to Miller Park and by the time we parked there were so many small girls it was insane but we soon met some 23 year olds who have been to like 15(?) One Direction concerts including 3 of this same tour already so we didn't feel bad anymore. The concert was amazing. I cried a lot. Niall Horan is my favorite and he was so close to me, it was amazing. By the end of the night we were so hyped up and excited it felt like nothing could bring us down until we tried to get out of Miller Park and it took us easily an hour. We finally got out and back to my roommate, Katie's, house where we were staying. By that time it was about 2:30 maybe 3:30 am and I have been up for almost 24 hours. I feel asleep immediately and got a few hours of sleep before I had to be awake to go back to school the next morning.

September started and I got a job at the Center for Students with Disabilities. I started out as a dispatcher and now I am also a driver in the transportation department. Through CSD I got the opportunity to meet Timeflies, a band I really like, who was our schools band for our beginning of the year concert.

The beginning of September I got the opportunity to also go to UWMs opening concert and see my favorite rapper, Hoodie Allen, and also another favorite band, Twenty one Pilots. Me and my roommate went and ended up getting 3rd row seats behind the pit. It was one of the coolest concerts I have ever been to.

A huge thing that happened for me in 2015 was my tattoo.
Me and my roommate set out to get the lead singer, Nick Petricca, and the bassist, Kevin Ray, from Walk the Moon to write out tattoos for us. The tattoos would say "we carry each other" from their song Different Colors. After a bit of twitter bothering, Nick responded a few times and wrote out my tattoo for me. We were still waiting for Kevin to write out Katie's for her, until one night in September when he messaged it to her and that was that. The only other thing we needed to do was to actually get them on our bodies. The next weekend we took a trip to the tattoo parlor and got them done.

2015 was a big year for me emotionally. I did a lot of thinking and self-discovery. Throughout 2015 I slowly started to figure out who I am as a person and what I want to do with my life. I have recently come out to the world as bisexual and genderfluid and I couldn't be more happy. I have commemorated the day that I came out to my family and friends through a tattoo. It was very difficult for me to come out to everyone because I knew that once I did that everyday for the rest of my life I will need to repeat that to people. I didn't know what to expect the reactions to be. I knew that there would be people who supported me, but you never know peoples views. Everyone was so supportive and incredible I was so happy. I wanted to commemorate that day in a way that I could always remember that people aren't what society makes them out to be. I am who I am and I have people who love me.

I have also changed my emphasis to English Creative Writing. I slowly figuring out exactly what I want to do with my degree and life after college.

I have had such an amazing year filled with amazing memories with amazing people. Spotify has there year in rewind in December to see stats every year of what you have listened to the most and things like that. These statistics are just from Spotify, these does not include other streaming services or my own music library. Apparently according to Spotify, I have listened to 37,000 minutes of music on Spotify in 2015.

I cannot wait to see what 2016 has in store for me and everything I have planned.

"Oh, You're Shaking!"

Stranger: "Oh, you're shaking!"
Me: "Oh, yeah I know. I have tremors. It happens all the time."
Stranger: "Oh, I didn't notice before."
Me: "Yeah"

This is a conversation I have with not only strangers but basically everyone I come in contact with. Living a life with Essential Tremors is basically a life sentence for me to say the words "I know I shake, don't talk about it it makes it worse." every time I come in contact with someone new. This does not bother me as much anymore because after years of just answering with "yeah I shake okay thanks." I've gotten used to it. But I came in contact with someone recently that made me think differently.

For anyone who doesn't know what Essential Tremors is it is a nervous system disorder that causes rhythmic shaking throughout someones arms, hands, fingers, legs, feet and tongue. I have gotten used to it for the most part over the years, but I do have troubles writing, eating, drinking, and doing certain things if it gets bad. I have found ways that makes it easier for me to do those things if I find my tremors is too bad on a certain day, for instance; typing instead of writing, eating with smaller utensils, and drinking from a straw.

Now recently I was training for a new job and it was something that would cause someone anxiety or frustration. Someone with anxiety in a situation like the kind of training I was going through might have been very stressed and that would cause them to shake. One of the people I was with pointed out my shaking in almost the same manner as the conversation at the top. I did not think much about it at first but after awhile I thought "wait, they had no idea about my disorder. They must've thought I was just very anxious." This wasn't the part that bothered me. It bothered me that the person pointed out something they 1) had no idea what was going on with me, and 2) they didn't say anything to make me feel better. I am assume if I had said "oh I am just nervous" they would have something to the point "it's not that bad, you are doing fine." but since I just have a disorder and it wasn't anxiety why would they feel the need to say anything; but how did he know it wasn't also anxiety.

People with anxiety are pushed to their limits all the time, and no one really knows because they are forced to hide it away in order to be "normal" in society. Unfortunately, some people have more things; disorders, disabilities, that make their anxiety worse, whether they like it or not. When I am in an stressful situation my tremors gets so much worse and I can't hide that I am anxious.

A lesson for society; if you are going to ask someone else about something that is probably very personally, make sure you want the answer and are ready to say the right thing to make them feel good about themselves if they tell you.

A lesson to people with disabilities/disorders; it is okay not to tell people about your personal life. Your disabilities/disorders are yours and if anyone asks they don't need an answer.

Here I Am

This is probably the scariest thing I will ever write and maybe publish in my lifetime. I'm writing this because I need to. I'm tired of living in a world where I am afraid if I tell someone too much about myself something bad might happen. I don't want to have to be afraid any more.

I am bisexual and genderfluid.

I have told very few people for various reasons but mostly because I was still trying to figure everything out things for myself before I go and tell a bunch of people. I know that a lot of people might not know what these things mean so I am going to explain them real quick.
*Disclaimer: Everybody is different and the explanations I am going to give are guided towards how I feel. There are broader definitions on the internet just remember not to believe everything you read!

Bisexuality: The attraction to two or more genders, not to the same extent or in the same way and not necessarily at the same time.

Genderfluid: Someone whose gender identity varies over time. People who are genderfluid shift between two or more genders. The shift can happen at the same time or apart and can happen at anytime.

Being genderfluid sometimes I feel female, sometimes I feel male, and sometimes I feel agender (genderless). This being said, my pronouns will no longer be she/her but they/their as I identify as multiple genders.

Trust me I know that there are people who are not going to accept me. I would appreciate it if anyone wants to address this post, be positive. I will only accept positive people in my life and if you are someone who is not going to accept me for who I am then there really is no reason for us to continue to communicate. If anybody has any questions I will answer them in time.

This is me. I am not going to change for anyone.

10 Songs I'll Listen to for the Rest of my Life

Music is such a powerful element of life. One lyric, melody, or harmony could have a huge effect on a person. That is why I am making a list of 10 songs that have made such a big impact on me that there's no doubt I will be listening to them for the rest of my life.

1) Sanctuary- Paradise Fears: There really wasn't a doubt in my mind when I started making this list that this song would be on here. Hell I have lyrics from this song tattooed on my body: "even broken wings can fly away". Those lyrics really highlight what this song says to me; that no matter what happens to you, what brings you down, you can always get back up and succeed.

2) Different Colors- Walk the Moon: This song is basically the same concept as the last as how it got on this list with the lyrics being tattooed on me and all. The amount of stuff I could say about this song is amazing but I'll sum it up. Walk the Moon wrote the most beautiful fight song about equality that ended up being an anthem, not a fight song like they intended but an empowering song. "We carry each other". yes, yes we do.

3) With Ears to See, and Eyes to Hear- Sleeping with Sirens: I don't really know if I have a specific reason for putting this song on here. I have loved this song for years and listen to it all the time. I am drawn to it.

4) Upside Down- Jack Johnson: Every time I listen to this song I think of Curious George and my childhood. I'll probably force my future children to listen to the Curious George soundtrack just because I want to listen to Jack Johnson. It's catchy okay.

5) Broken Home- 5 Seconds of Summer: I've explained this one in it's very own post. It's special.

6) Guns for Hands- Twenty one Pilots: Tyler Joseph is special. He described that as he wrote this song about how he recognizes mental illness and how instead of self harm take your energy and point it somewhere else, whether it be art, music, sports. He really brought that out in the song. Beautiful. also Josh Dun on the drums.

7) New Americana- Halsey: A lot of people do not understand the meaning behind this song, during one of her live performances she proudly stated the real meaning behind the song: "this song is not about smoking weed and listening to rap music. this song is about a generation that is unafraid of diversity. and as of a few days ago I'm proud to announce that is also a generation where you can marry whoever the hell you want". Not only is the song super catchy but it has an amazing meaning behind the lyrics too.

8) It Wasn't Me- Shaggy, Ricardo Ducent: I had to add this one in for Chelsea. I don't think a road trip would ever be the same if this song wasn't playing at some point.

9) Love on Top- Beyonce: Beyonce though. Who else would you want to dance around your bedroom to while also getting a confidence boost through lyrical genius.

10) Who You Are- Paradise Fears: "There’s one thing in life that I’ve learned so far; it's that we’re all a little stronger than we think we are, and you can bend a little farther but just remember who you are." I don't think I could go a day growing up without one of my parents saying "don't forget who you are" as I was leaving the house. It was a thing and I'm sure I will carry it on to my future children even though I never quite understood it and thought it was annoying. (**don't worry I understand it now mom**).

11) Clean- Taylor Swift: I know I said 10 songs but I couldn't end the list without this song for many reasons. 1) Taylor is a lyrical genius and shows that in this song. 2) "Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it" and 3) "Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it". I think I've made may point. You're welcome.