Why You Should Never "Wait For Someone"

I think we can all agree it is hard to let people go, especially if you care for them. But the one thing I have learned in the first year of my twenties is that you should never wait for someone, and you should never ask anyone to wait for you. Sure at first it might seem easy, but agreeing to wait for someone is essentially telling that person that they can take their time doing whatever they want to do before they "are ready" for you and you will still be there. And asking for someone to wait for you is asking someone to throw away other potential relationships and opportunities that could be life changing for them.

But like I said it can be hard not to wait for someone you care about. The one thing you always have to remember is if someone truly wants to be with you they will find a way. They will do anything in their power to be with you. Someone who truly cares for you would never ask you to wait for them because they would figure out a way to be with you.

And on the other hand, asking someone to wait for you is asking someone to put their own life on hold because you are being selfish.

And I am not saying I am perfect because I am far from that. We all make mistakes and it is hard to not want to try and have everything that we want to have. But in the end a relationship, whether it is just a friendship or more, is a two way street. Being selfish in a relationship is well selfish.

Trying to start a relationship while you are not ready to be in one is a recipe for disaster.

So the one lesson I want to share with you all is that you will never be able to successfully hold any relationship if you are not happy with your life as a singular person. Learn to love what you have, or change what you don't, before you try and love anyone else.

A Letter to my Abusive Ex-Boyfriends

To the lairs, the cheats, the emotionally and physically abusive:

You made me lose faith in myself. You convinced me that I wasn't good enough. You used your charm to brainwash me. I would believe any lie you told, all the bad stories and terrible excuses. You made me question my sanity.  You scared me into staying with you. You conned me into thinking I was nothing. I believed you when you told me you were out with friends when really you were out with someone else. Every time I tried to leave and you told me I can't otherwise you'll kill yourself; that fucked me up. You used the fact that I am a caring person against me. You lied straight to my face, straight to my family's face. You made me turn my back on my family and my friends. You took my life and threw it away for me.

It's been months since I got out. I don't talk about it often because it still hurts. You took the strong, confident person I was and destroyed me. I had to rebuild myself from the bottom up, making sure I put up some extra walls. But you didn't just destroy me, you made me stronger. I have always had the hardest time saying "no" to anyone. I have always wanted to please everyone. Now I could care less about what other people say or think. I have taken the bad people out of my life, giving me a better understanding of people.

I have seen friends in abusive relationships and always wondered how they wouldn't just leave only to find out myself and it wasn't that they wouldn't leave but they COULDN'T leave.

I have told people that you would abusive me and 99% of the time I would get "but you don't look like he's abusing you". This stigma that physical abuse is the only kind of abuse needs to stop. You destroyed me and I didn't want people to see me at my absolute worst so I hid. I hid away and told myself I could deal with it myself. But I couldn't, no one in that situation can do that alone. It took me until I told my friends and family to have the strength to find a way out.

I found a way out. You have probably moved on. I wouldn't know because I have moved on. I no longer let people who only bring me down in my life. I will only fill my life with positivity and love.

You destroyed me; but that's not the point. You destroyed me and I made it. I came out 10x better than I was before I even met you.

You made me a better person. So thank you for that.

Old Poetry {2015}

"You asked me if I was okay today,
I said yes
and you believed me.
silly boy,
I’m not okay
and it’s all because of you."

"I just want someone to look me in the eyes
and tell me they know,
they know I’m lying
about my love for him,
and it is going to be okay."

"I don’t know quite when this all started,
maybe it was when we first met
or maybe it was after the first few nights of just being together,
making new friends and getting to know each other
or maybe it was that night,
the night we got drunk with our friends
we made mistakes,
or so we say,
but do you really think that night was a mistake?
because a part of me doesn’t think it was."

"I know everyone is judging me,
because of you
I fell so hard for you;
I can’t help that
and yet I have to sit here
by myself,
because no one understands
what I am putting myself through
for someone who is just hurting me."

"You have a tendency to pretend I don't exist,
and I have a tendency to ignore everyone else while you’re around,
except lately our tendencies have been switching
and I’m not sure if you are for real or not.
probably not."

"I hate this feeling;
this feeling I get in the pit of my stomach
every time I get too close
to someone who just wants to hurt me."

"You said to me, “I’m not at that point yet”
I don’t know what that point is,
but I hope with all my heart
you get there soon."

"Everyone tells me how you’re not good for me
and I know that I could do so much better,
but in the end all I want is your cute baby face
and annoying personality all to myself."

"Earlier this week, I told you how I felt about you;
you weren’t up for talking
or listening
so you left me.
A few days later, I saw you for the first time in days;
I asked where my best friend was
and you couldn’t talk without messing up your words.
The next day you came to dinner with us,
you gave me that look
the look that was always meant for flirting,
except now I just don’t know.
Are you just playing games or for real?"

"It’s sad how someone can go from your everything
to nothing in a matter of minutes
and you can’t do anything about it.
It’s even worse when they were just a dream the whole time."


"I caught you looking today
well not quite looking,
or glancing,
but more like studying
like you were memorizing every inch of me
so you would never forget."

Body Image and the Importance of Self Love

I am 20 years old. I have never really loved myself. It comes in waves, some days I love myself and others I hate myself. At 20 I am finally finding the things I have always loathed about myself as quirks. I was 12 when I started to hate myself. At first I just hated my body, the shell to my personality. After a while I started to compare myself to others and I started to hate my personality too. I became quiet. I would never talk unless spoken to in attempt to keep other people from judging me. I was so caught up in what others wanted me to be and who my peers will accept that I lost myself.
I hated my body. Everything about it; my face, my hair, and especially my body. I was so focused on "fitting in" that I threw away myself and my health. I would do anything to "fit in" with my peers. I changed my style and personality to go along with whatever is "popular" that week.
I am 20 years old and I am just starting to love my personality again. I still find it hard to talk to people. Small talk is my worst enemy. I would rather talk about life, death, dreams and every other "deep" conversation than the weather or how your day went. Ask me how I am doing and I will always say fine, great, good, awesome. Except none of those are actual feelings. I lie about how I am not to make you feel better, but to make me feel better. Saying the words "I am fine" out loud gives me hope that maybe I am fine.
I am 20 years old and it has taken me 8 years to accept myself enough to let other people in. I always rejected the idea of being "different" when deep down I hated being like everyone else.

This idea of "fitting in" is absurd. There is nothing to "fit in" to except for your own standards and morals.

It has taken me 20 years to realize that pretending to be someone I am not is just hurting me more than "fitting in" and having friends. What is the point of pretending to like different things just to appease people who would never talk to you again if they found out what you really like.

But that isn't the worst part. The worst part is we expect people to like all the things we do. We expect people to do everything the same way we would. And if they don't, we judge them. And we all care about what other people are judging us on. "Does my hair look good", "I can't leave the house in sweatpants because other people might think I am a bum".

Be the person you want to be. Dress the way you want to dress. Talk how you want to talk. Listen to what you want to listen to. Watch what you want to watch. And don't let anyone tell you you are lesser for not liking something they like, or for liking something "weird". As long as you are happy with yourself nothing else should matter.

I am 20 years old and I am just figuring this out for myself. I am working on loving myself and thankfully I have people who care about me, but not everyone does. Think before you speak. Think before you post on social media. No one is the same and that is how it should be. Think about how your words could be hurting someone else.

Think. Love. and don't judge, because it just hurts everyone involved.

the streets

A Letter to my Family

Thank you.

Thank you for supporting me; emotionally, financially and physically.
Thank you for not giving up on me when all I wanted to do was give up on myself.
Thank you for not crushing my crazy dreams but encouraging me.
Thank you for helping me learn the lessons I didn't want to learn.
Thank you for always being there when I needed a shoulder to cry on.
Thank you for being real with me when I am making mistakes.
But also thank you for letting me make my own mistakes.

Thank you mom.
Thank you dad.
Thank you John.
I feel like I haven't truly thanked you guys for everything you guys do for me.

Thank you Chelsea.
Thank you Spencer.
I couldn't have asked for better siblings to lean on when I need it.

Thank you to all of my Grandparents.
Without your support and stories I wouldn't be the person I am today.
I know I don't say it enough but I love your stories about when you were young.

Thank you to my Aunts and Uncles.
Thank you for your crazy humor and indescribable love for me. 

Thank you to my cousins.
You guys are my best friends.
Thank you for always being there to talk to when I feel like I can't talk to anyone else.
Thank you for taking me in and loving me.

In our society we don't say thank you enough to the people who are always there. We take advantage of them.

I want to thank my family for being amazing wonderful people.

I love you guys.

a few thoughts on life

I've been trying to figure out how to put my feelings into words for a while now. If any of you follow my blog regularly you may have noticed that I haven't posted anything in a while. I have been trying to figure out how to be an adult. How to live on my own and take care of myself. I think I have finally figured it out.

No one knows what they are doing in life. We all just float left and right making the decisions that feel the most "correct". The decisions that are going to help us grow and not break us down. But in reality every decision we make helps us grow. They help us grow into the morals we keep and the people we need to be. We can't try to force life to happen because no matter how hard we try we will always hit bumps in the road that will throw us off. We all feel lonely. We all feel helpless; until we don't. Until we find that one thing that keeps us going. Until we take everything that has happened to us and embrace it instead of hide from it. We grow with every breath we take. We might not like the things that happen to us or we might regret some decisions we thought were good but turned out to be wrong. But it was every one of those things that gives us life. They give us the courage to keep going and make better decisions and better choices. They make us want to be better. All we need to do is embrace life and go with the flow. We can't plan our lives out every second of every day because we never know what is going to get thrown at us or who we might meet.

I've learned all this while trying to grow up to fast. I have always been the person who wanted to be older and do things more mature than I could handle and when something went wrong I would regret it and want to go back to being a child. We can't rush life because we will miss all the little things that make it amazing.

This is what I've learned these past few months. That life is hard but if you embrace it it really is amazing.