Late Night Thoughts: Why I Support Planned Parenthood

I have recently gone to Planned Parenthood for the first time ever.

What it Means to be Genderfluid to Me

I identify as gender fluid or gender queer. 

Everyone's identity is defined to their own personalities and emotions. So today I want to explain what it means to me and my personality to be gender fluid.

I define gender fluidity as my gender changes from man to woman to genderless based on the time. The time ranges from month to week to day and even hourly.

Gender is different than sex. Sex is the physical being you are born as either female or male. Gender is broader than that. Gender can be simply man or woman for some people, but others feel their gender much more extensive. There are many different gender identities but today I am going to be focusing on gender fluid because that is how I identify.

For example one week I will feel like a woman. I will be happy with my body and want to show it off. I will want to wear make up and spend a good amount of time on my face, hair and nails. I will wear dresses and skirts and feel good in them.
And the next week I will feel like a man. I won't be happy with my body, I will want to hide my curves as much as I can. I will wear a binder to hide my breasts because they make me feel uncomfortable. I feel the most comfortable in baggy clothes and a fresh face. I feel bad about myself and my looks especially if I look very feminine.
And the next week I will feel genderless. I will feel indifferent about my body and what I wear. I will go on with my days without a thought, good or bad, about myself.

I don't act different or do things different and my personality does not change and it never will. My attitude about myself changes. This does not effect my personality, the decisions I make, or who I love and are attracted to.

If I did not tell people about this part of me, no one would ever know. I am out and proud. I do talk about it because I believe it is important for people to express themselves fully as how they feel as a person. Whether that is the same as the sex they are born or different.

The idea of being discriminated against because of my mind and my thoughts about myself makes me sick. I feel liberated and free when I get to express myself they way I feel. It is so important not only to me but to society to start excepting people for themselves, including their looks, personality and thoughts.

Stream of Consciousness |7.10.2017|

I have been told whenever you have writers block to start writing whatever comes to mind first and the words will just flow out. So I'm sitting here writing about writers block while I cannot think of anything to write about. Life has been good recently. I have seemed to get a lot of things figured out. I finally feel settled in my life and where I am and where I am going. It's nice to finally feel comfortable knowing I have stability and a few attainable goals for my future. Would yu consider dreams and goals one in the same, or completely different? When I say "goals" I tend to mean attainable things I want to do within the next few years as when I say "dreams" I am usually talking about the big things I would love to do someday but will probably never happen. For example, I have a goal to keep this blog up and hit more views in a year and I have a dream to move to LA and be an author or actress or something of the sort. So would that mean goals and dreams are different because you can always make your dreams into a goal and technically a goal is a dream, but is a dream a goal? Only if you make it one, right? I feel like this isn't going anywhere but also I just had a thoughtful debate with myself about goals and dreams so it must be working. Writers block sucks. I don't even know if I'll post this or just keep it for me to see later. Well I guess that's all I am going to do tonight as I can't even think of anything random to write about. It's almost as if my mind is completely blank for the first time ever in my life.






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36 Chick Flicks to Watch When You Need a Good Laugh or Cry

1.  10 Things I hate About You
2.  13 Going on 30
3.  17 Again
4.  27 Dresses
5.  500 Days of Summer
6.  A Cinderella Story
7.  Bridesmaids
8.  Bring it On
9.  Clueless
10.  Crazy, Stupid, Love
11.  Friends with Benefits
12.  He's Just Not That Into You
13.  How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
14.  John Tucker Must Die
15.  Legally Blonde
16.  Mamma Mia
17.  Mean Girls
18.  Miss Congeniality
19.  No Strings Attached
20.  P.S. I Love You
21.  Pitch Perfect
22.  Pretty in Pink
23.  Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
24.  Sixteen Candles
25.  The Devil Wears Prada
26.  The Fault in Our Stars 
27.  The Lucky One
28.  The Notebook
29.  The Parent Trap
30.  The Princess Bride
31.  The Princess Diaries
32.  The Proposal
33.  The Vow
34.  The Wedding Planner
35.  Twilight
36.  What a Girl Wants

100 Ways to say "I Care" without Actually Saying it.

1. "Pull over. let me drive"
2. "It reminded me of you"
3. "It's on me"
4. "Let me help"
5. "I'll walk you home"
6. "Have a good day at work"
7. "I dreamt about you last night"
8. "Take my seat"
9. "I saved a piece for you"
10. "I'm sorry for your loss"
11. "You can have half"
12. "Take my jacket, it's cold out"
13. "Sorry I'm late"
14. "Can I have this dance?"
15. "I made your favorite"
16. "It's okay. I couldn't sleep anyway"
17. "Watch your step"
18. "Here drink this, you'll feel better"
19. "Can I hold your hand?"
20. "You can borrow mine"
21. "You might like this"
22. "It's not heavy. I'm stronger than I look"
23. "I'll wait"
24. "Just because"
25. "Look both ways."
26. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."
27. "Try some"
28. "Drive safely"
29. "Well, what do you want to do"
30. "One more chapter"
31. "Don't worry about me"
32. "It looks good on you"
33. "Close your eyes and hold out your hands"
34. "That's okay. I bought two"
35. "After you."
36. "We'll figure it out"
37. "Can I kiss you?"
38. "I like your laugh"
39. "Don't cry"
40. "I made this for you"
41. "Go back to sleep"
42. "Is this okay?"
43. "I picked these for you"
44. "I'll drive you to the hospital"
45. "What do you want to watch"
46. "You can go first"
47. "Did you get my letter?"
48. "I'll do it for you"
49. "Call me when you get home"
50. "I think you're beautiful"
51. "Are you sure?"
52. "Have fun"
53. "Sit down, I'll get it."
54. "I made reservations"
55. "I don't mind"
56. "It brings out your eyes"
57. "There is enough room for both of us"
58. "You don't have to say anything."
59. "Wow."
60. "Happy Birthday."
61. "I'll pick you up after work."
62. "It can wait until tomorrow."
63. "Cross my heart and hope to die."
64. "It's two sugars, right"
65. "I'll help you study."
66. "Stay over"
67. "I did the dishes"
68. "You didn't have to ask"
69. "I bought you a ticket"
70. "You're warm"
71. "No reason"
72. "I'll meet you halfway"
73. "Take mine"
74. "We can share"
75. "I was just thinking about you"
76. "I want you to have this"
77. "Call me if you need anything"
78. "Do you want to come too?"
79. "I'll be here when you're ready"
80. "Is your seatbelt on?"
81. "Sweet dreams"
82. "I was in the neighborhood."
83. "Stay there. I'm coming to get you."
84. "The key is under the mat."
85. "It doesn't bother me"
86. "You're important too"
87. "I saved you a seat."
88. "I'll see you later"
89. "I noticed"
90. "You can tell me anything"
91. "I hope you like it"
92. "I want you to be happy"
93. "I believe in you."
94. "You can do it"
95. "Good luck"
96. "I brought you an umbrella"
97. "I'll pick you up at the airport."
98. "Take a deep breath."
99. "Be careful"
100. "I love you."

15 Life Lessons I Wish I Knew at 15

1) Don't let anyone turn you cruel. No matter how badly you wanna give the world a taste of its own butter medicine. It's never worth losing yourself over.


2) Know who you are. Know what you want. Know what you deserve. And don't settle for less.


3) The ones that assume in fact know nothing at all. And there is no reason to explain yourself further to the people who are not ready to listen.


4) The way you do things isn't always the only way to do them. Respect other people's way of thinking.


5) The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.


6) Close some doors. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because they no longer lead somewhere.


7) No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life goes on, and it will be better.


8) It's okay to fail sometimes. Try your hardest and you succeed.


9) It doesn't matter what people think as long as you're happy.


10) It is not rude to say "no thanks"


11) If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway, the good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.


12) You might be broke, but remember broken crayons still color. There is art in broken pieces.


13) We have choices. Don't be silenced by staying stuck. Work for it while you wait for it.


14) If you still talk about it, you still care about it.


15) You can't just switch off your feelings because someone else does.

The Truth about my Anxiety

Before I go into detail about my experiences with anxiety and other mental illnesses I would like to remind everyone that every person is different and handles things differently. This is solely my experiences.

Anxiety defined by the Oxford American Dictionary as a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. And is a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.

Now this is just the general definition written by some old smart guys in suits or something like that. And like I said everyone experiences things differently and I have been told by many people who don't experience anxiety that they just do not understand how it works. So I thought I would share my history with it.

I first realized I had anxiety when I was around 17, but I started experiencing anxiety around 10 years old. At the time I didn't know what I was feeling. I figured it was a normal reaction to whatever situation I was going through. I was around 10 years old when I first started questioning my future and the things happening around me. At that time in my life I was dealing with a lot of stuff, my parents divorce, my school closing and moving to a different school, growing up and puberty, making friends. There were so many questions running through my mind I shut down and started to give up.

I was always told I needed to have friends so when I couldn't make any I started freaking out. I wanted to fit in. So I changed myself into the stereotype that everyone wanted me to be. I changed my hair, got contacts and rid of my glasses, got braces to straighten my teeth, started buying expensive name brand clothing. I started failing my classes and stopped sleeping at night. I stayed up all night daydreaming of everything I wish I had. The friends and materialistic things everyone else had. I didn't know it at the time but all this daydreaming that had me up all night was my anxiety of not fitting in, of being an outcast.

It got worse as I got older. More things happened, people came and left from my life leaving scars. I so badly wanted those childhood friendships that last a lifetime, only the friends I made were only my friends because I saw them 5 days a week at school. None of us had anything in common, had the same beliefs, or were raised the same way. When I was 17 I realized one of the big reasons why my life was so difficult for me was because I kept toxic people in my life. I would put myself in situations that left me awake on my shower floor crying for hours in the middle of the night. I did things I am not proud of, just to fit in. And none of it made me happy. I didn't want to go to school anymore, all I would think of on my drive everyday was what everyone would say about me that day or if anyone would say anything remotely nice to me.

Sometimes it'll feel like my heart stops and my stomach all of a sudden drops to the floor. I'll be having a good day and all it will take is a weird look from a stranger to make my mind race and my heart to beat a hundred miles an hour. But the worst by far is when my head starts to hurt I need to put noise cancelling headphones out so I can't hear anything, and then my eyes start hurting so badly I need to put a pillow over my face and turn all of the lights off, and then everything starts to smell rancid and rotten I need to plug my nose, and then everything around me feels like sandpaper on my skin including my skin. That is the worst type of anxiety I've experienced, and it happens much more often than I'd like.

I have yet to find things that really help me to calm my anxiety. Moving always helps, exercise and working out, blasting music as loud as it gets and having a dance party. I always try to distract myself from my anxiety. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't.

Anxiety is real. I have heard people go on about how they just don't understand, well all of you who don't understand be grateful you don't. I would never wish it on my worst enemy.